Tuesday, 28 December 2010

...and here we go again


Thursday, 5 August 2010

And I never wanted anything from you.
Except everything you had, and what was left after that to. oh.


Tuesday, 29 June 2010


I was nervous about this summer. Mainly because i spent last summer with someone who i no longer speak to and was worried these memories would taint how i view this summer.

So far. Its even better than last year.

Happy doesn't cover how i feel right now <3

Wednesday, 23 June 2010


Will somebody please surgically remove :) this from my face?!

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire

I don't really pour my heart and soul into my blog. I like the things in my life which are private to remain just that. So this blog will be a bit different to my other, rambling light-hearted entries.

Its fair to say I'm a very paranoid person and I hate the feeling that people are talking about me behind my back. So its understandable that I feel quite sick when someone tells me they themselves have been speaking about me to someone else. Worse when the things they are saying are lies.

Lord knows I'm not perfect. But -

I'm not an unreasonable jealous freak.
I'm not possessive.
I don't try and control people's friendships.
I'm not a bully.

It's sly to tell people things about me which I have said in confidence to the other person. Its plain disrespectful to tell them half the story. Perhaps it would be better to mention all the things they said, all the things they did...All of which I haven't mentioned to anymore. Silly me thinking the things that happen between two people stay that way . Storming out my house in a jealous rage because I was talking about one of my male friends. Telling me I was the only girl they could think about. Talking about a summer together. Spending alternate weekends together. Being told that no other girl even came close to me. Starting something again which they were 100% sure they wanted. Telling me they cannot stop thinking about me.

Conveniently forgets to leave this out their tale.

I don't think its fair to slander people when they don't have the opportunity to defend themselves.

I'm not a perfect person. I am far from it. I make countless mistakes everyday.
My biggest being falling for the same person over and over again, no matter how many times they dispose of me, they crook their finger and I can't help but run back. Not anymore.

It may seem petty to be writing this blog, and maybe it is.
But I won't be lied about. I won't be made to look like a freak who cannot let go. I won't be portrayed as an unreasonably jealous and possessive person. There are two sides to every story, and this time mine will be heard as well.

Friday, 11 June 2010

Go ahead. Make my Millennium.

A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

Well i just laughed for about 100 years. Good times. :)

Friday, 21 May 2010

There's no place like home..

These past few weeks, Worcester has really been losing its charm.

It used to be a sanctuary, a place where I could escape the vile, miscreants that live in West Bromwich. And to a point it is...

I love taking walks in Worcester, not waking up opposite a factory, not feeling like I'm going to get stabbed while taking a simple bus journey to town, no HAVING to get a bus everywhere you go...

But the reality of Worcester is that it is not home. Not anymore.

This time last year the thought of leaving Worcester tore me apart, three months away from the place and the people who changed my life. The people who had respect for me and the people who treated me different than i have been treated before.

This year I cant wait to get home. Away form the hypocrisy of people, the selfishness, the vanity, people who think the world revolves around them. People who only want you when they need something.

I truly am looking forward to next year and the amazing house I have lined up for me. I just think the best place for me right now is the place I detest, with my friends and family. <3

Lets hope Worcester can improve next year...

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Creative Writing YOU WHORE

I had to write a formal poem, and i chose an elegy (poem to someone who has died)

I have called it "Tombe" which is "Fallen" in french :)



I sit and I wait for you to appear
Yet nothing, no sign, how could you forget?
I expect I’ll fold under the weight of my tears
Crushed by the promise you were too careless to have met

They lead me gently, vows still in hand
Down past the pews and the exquisite stained glass
Whispering explanations I cannot understand
Reason’s to why there won’t be a mass

I only catch glimpses of their carefully placed words
Hit, may be critical, hole in his lung
I remove my veil yet awareness remains blurred
Trying to speak without possession of my tongue

Refusing to watch them intrude on your purgatory,
I allow myself to be swept into the churning of lights
To escape the parade, standing by so cautiously
Empathetic thoughts for the lady in white

It does not take long for them to establish you’re deceased
And abruptly they strip me of my untainted white dress
Replacing with a uniform; dark, sullen and creased
Appropriate really, designed to depress

I think they’re expecting me to fall apart completely
For my broken heart to effortlessly consume
However I’m afraid I cannot talk about you so sweetly
You did not fulfil your duty as a breathing bridegroom

You allowed yourself to be vulnerable, you didn’t escape death
Your self-centred actions have left me alone
I have not a husband, a companion to share breath
I have only empty words, etched on a gravestone

Wednesday, 31 March 2010

I believe in fate...almost

I do believe that the things that happen to us, happen to us for a reason. That they are intended to shape us as people.

My belief has been challenged today.
Why do bad things happen to good people??

Like constant bad things. Not even a glimmer of something positive.

I sit here writing this cryptic blog letting out the emotion i didn't want to show today, put a brave face on for the people i love.

My parents are the biggest inspiration i have ever had.
They deserve better than the shit fate is dealing them.

Sort it out, yeah fate?

Monday, 29 March 2010


Its funny, well not funny. Actually if you laugh at my situation you're a bit of a r'tard. But its weird, that it's exactly a year since things when shit for me last year.

Exactly a year ago I couldn't eat/sleep/.
Exactly a year ago the panic attacks got worse.
Exactly a year ago I cried whenever I was alone.

And its exactly a year later I start to feel like myself again.

The weird thing?

The weird thing is that I've been hurt worse than I ever thought possible THIS year, worse than last year. And I feel like I'm jinxing it by saying it, but I'm starting to move on.

I mean I could be fooling myself, and it could all come rushing back and make me want to sit in the river and stay there. But right now. Feeling like Maria Allen :). I have to go through it each day, the "shiiiit that sucks" feeling. But with the help of some very good friends and some even better family I'm getting through it.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing this blog, is because the way I feel reminds me of my favourite poem. Its not really a "proper" poem by English Lit standards. But I memorised it when I was like...6. Ridiculous how I can relate to a children's poem so much aye?

'Who Nibbles the Moon?'

Who Nibbles the Moon? Who takes a bite?
Out of its roundness, night by night.
Till nothings left but a crust and then...
Who bakes the Moon all over again?
And hangs it up all round and bright,
Ready for someone...to nibble and bite


Tuesday, 9 March 2010

THIRD ENTRY??? Now this is just getting ridicilous!


Last post of the night I swears it!!

I had to write a free verse poem from a list of 100 things I like.
I like this one :-)


I'm walking home when it firsts hits me.
The air lightly laced with the familiar odour.
As I get closers, the aroma begins to work,
Making its way through my senses.
Clinging to my nostrils, filling my head with its scent.
I pick up my pace.
Excitement pounds through me.
The smell gets stronger, more potent.
My mouth begins to water.
I'm not even through the front door and I know...
Mom's making curry tonight!!!

Love you all <3

Second entry of the night...WHATS OCCURING?

So I have to right some free verse poetry. Which I'm honestly terrible at.
But here is my first.

"The Pessimistic Optimistic"

I say I'm numb, that I feel nothing.
However, in truth...I feel everything.
Trying to remember that time I was whole.
But was it merely an illusion?
Those times I was complete,
When the sun had stole its way into my heart,
I could have been dreaming.
The problem with dreams, is that you always wake up.
And I know that now, I am no longer asleep.
He is not worthy of my poetry.
Sonnets pining for affection.
The sun will rise again.
And this time, I'll be awake to see every minute of it.

2 hours and 7 drafts. Ho hum pigs bum :)


I love my creative writing module. It allows me to write poetry like this...

"I like Currraaaaaay" by Maria Allen

(dedicated to the fellow lovers of curry and inventors of the world famous curry song..Mr Tom Willis and Mr William Darling)

There's one thing I want I'll have it if I can
(I know what you're thinking...Alan Rickman?)
Its easy to make, but hard to make good,
I can honestly say its my favourite kind of food!
I'm talking about curry, packed full of spice,
You can eat it with poppadoms, naan bread or rice!

My Mom makes the best curries, all from scratch
When I go home she saves me a batch.
She said, using sauce from a jar is just plain lazy
So crack out those spices and make a Jalfrezzi!
The hotter the better she likes to think,
Just a shame when you eat them, you start to stink.

My speciality is mixing Korma and Tikka.
(Put a lid on the saucepan, I swear it cooks quicker)
From creamy to tangy, I love what curry brings!
Just beware after eating, your arse is going to sting!
Fuck the Italians, they can keep their Salami!
Ask me anyday, I'll prefer chicken biryani!

I love curry :-) Its why I wrote this poem...
But I had a Balti earlier...so to the toilet I be going!

Friday, 26 February 2010


This week my homework for creative writing is to write a blog on rejection...


Where oh where will i find the material for that?

Monday, 22 February 2010

A shout out to love

Its time I started focussing on me and the people who are worth it.
I feel blogger is the only place I can express my true feelings for this person...this person I cant stop thinking about.

Nobody else will accept it.

I hope you my sweet blog will...

Ode to Alan Rickman

Oh Mr Rickman, my heart doth beat to and fro'
As i must confess that i love you so.
It may be slighty taboo, because of the difference in age
Yet who can deny when true love takes the stage.
I see you night after night, the star of my screen
From Black hair to Grey, your face is a dream!

Oh Mr Rickman, I'll be there for you
And you can be sure that my heart will be true.
Damn Bruce Willis, throwing you from a building which was 40 story
I swear i'd have saved you...it would have been glory!
Everyone hates your greasy featured Snape
Except for me, my dear we shall escape.

Oh Mr Rickman, i dont care about the wrinkles on your skin
For me all that matters is your beauty within
I would have been there in time to stop Mr Todd
(I find him attractive too...isn't that odd!)
You ask, how will this work practically...
And all i can say, is Mr Rickman...Love Actually <3

Saturday, 13 February 2010


Smile like you mean it, doo dooo dooooooo doo dooo doooooo dooooooooooooooo!

:) I can honestly smile like i MEAN it :)
Weird feeling.

Last night made me feel really good about myself. Its nice to actually feel worth something. So. This blog isnt going to mention reasons to be down. Its going to mention a few amazing people who i like to call my friends.

I wish everyone new how much they mean to me, and just how much they have been helping me this past week. I feel blessed to have such amazing people looking out for me. Whether its doing something stupid to make me laugh, having me stay over just so i wont be alone, making cups of tea or staying up till the early hours of the morning letting me vent...it all means so much.

So this is a thank you. To let those bloody amazing people who i love know just how much they mean to me!!!

Next year is going to be IMMENSE!!!

Friday, 12 February 2010

Positivity here i come.

Exactly what it says on the tin.


Tuesday, 9 February 2010

He loves me. He loves me not.

Take a bow, because you've taken everything else.
You played the part and like a star you played it so well.
Take a Bow, because the scene is coming to an end
I gave you love, all you gave me was pretend.

I just wrote a draft of a blog.
An angry hateful blog.

But i have deleted it.

I have so many feelings i want to write down, but i dont think here is the place.

Im hurt. Actually hurt doesn't cover it. I feel like half a person. The other has been taken away, without warning. I dont really know what to do with myself. I know its early days but i just want this feeling to go, i dont think about anything anymore i just feel this pain.

What i cant stand is how angry i am. How much i want someone to feel pain.

But for now im not going to tell my side. Everyone can listen to the lies. I haven't got the heart to recall the how's and why's. One day i will though. When im ready.

I just hope he knows what he has lost.

Saturday, 30 January 2010

stupid lyrics

Don't you hate it that when you feel down you can't listen to any form of music as it all has some sort of importance to you, or you can find your situation in there.
Seriously how have i found deep symbolism in Cheryl Cole's music!!!!

I feel like all those songs were written about how incredibly low i feel right now.
I swear I'll post something happy and full of meaning again soon :)

Thursday, 28 January 2010


So my first post turns out to be my most poignant.

Im going to re read it everyday. It will pull me through. Because i wont break down.

Ahhh fate you absolute pain!

Sunday, 24 January 2010

Blog Virginity being broken in 5...4...3...2...1...BLAST OFF


Figured its about time i take Lube's advice and start my own blog. I could be a bloggy genious and nobody would know! So i figure i'll just write whats on my mind right now.

I think...and do i dare say it...? Im...Happy! I know its shocking these days. Oh trust me im not saying that my life is perfect, or that it is remotely above average. But maybe sometimes we just need to be thankful for the average shit life gives us. I had a shockingly bad 2009. Which was shockingly good at the same time. How can you have the best year of your life yet it be the most amazing experience you have ever been given??

Do i regret anything?


Nope. Sometimes i think i do. Sometimes i think WHY GOD WHY but right now, at 3am on a Monday morning (start of the week miss cole :D) i dont. There were times i regretted coming to uni and wished i had made the decison to go somewhere differnet than Worcester. But nope. Now i feel happy. Probably not happy in the same way other people feel it. I think when people hear the words "I'm happy" - they either think you're a) lieing or b) drunk. But i am.

Sure i wish things had happened last year the way they did. Sure i wish my thighs were a little smaller. Sure i wish my breasts didn't keep my knees company. But I have reached some euphoric place ( ok maybe not euphoric ) where i just feel...content. And i have reached a conclusion which i think is AMAZING.

And here it is. ( i know you're waiting in baited breath )

I feel sorry for people who haven't had their hearts broken...:O:O:O!?!?!?!?

I know mad right?

But it just means to me that if you havent experienced your heart being broken , you cant have felt what its like to be truely in love with someone. And that for me is just something which can shape you. If last year, i hadn't had my heart broken...i wouldn't be the Maria i am now. I wouldn't be as happy and i wouldn't be half as strong. So i just want to say to the people i know who are feeling low, and down, and regretting meeting that person who broke their heart...dont. Thank them. :)

Easy for me to say right? I still AM in love and have a boyflend. But before you feel sorry for yourself. Before you see an alley with only you in, take a step back. Think. There are people who go through their lives without getting in too deep. Without feeling they would throw themselves in front of a bus for someone. Without crying themselves to sleep over someone. And i dont envy that. I feel sorry for them. I learnt more about myself than i ever could being hurt. And though it still does hurt from time to time, i dont regret it for a second.

So yes. Im Happy. Truely and honestly. Right this second im happy. Could change in the next 24hrs haha but right now im feeling pretty good. I wish more people could do this, look at whats good, instead of whats bad. Think of the good people do for you, instead of the things they dont. 2010 may have had a shakey start, but i believe in fate and i believe its going to be one hell of a year.

Why this spurt of happiness?

Maybe its cause i have amazing friends. Truely amazing friends. Friends who make me laugh and care. Maybe its cause i have an amazing family. Family who bend over backwards to make sure im ok. Maybe its cause im in love. That sort of head over heels love which isn't perfect but its the imperfections which make it all the more real. Or maybe its simply because im fed up of reading facebook and twitter status's which are so damn negative. Take a look at the bigger picture. And smile :)

aaaand i think thats a wrap <3

ps. i made the mistake of reading this back and realised it doesnt make sense. but hey thats just me im a stream of consciousness just waiting to be put into words (just maybe not in the right order)